On My Heart

So yesterday I had a really bad day, I couldn't figure out why everything was going wrong but by the end of the day I felt completely hopeless. It was then that I remembered that I had asked God for trials to build my character...I do this regularly and each time promptly forget that I asked for it...literally. How many times do I have to keep doing this before it gets through my thick head???

One of the things I was struggling with was Gods love, it seemed to me as though God must not love me. But as I was kneeling by my bed last night pleading with God, the the quote popped in my head "our greatest fear for the future is to forget how God has led us in the past". Here I am thinking that God isn't love, when throughout my life he has proved the utter opposite. It was almost as if a little tiny voice was saying in the back of my mind "why dont you trust me?". My goal is to make that little tiny voice into a BIG VOICE, a voice that controls my every action. It's almost as f I've pushed that voice further and further away so that It's barely audible.
Anyway...Lets just say that my christian experience isn't the most easy thing in the world. Sometimes I wish that it was as easy as pilgrims progress. I know...He had to fight giants and lions and demons and ghouls and all other sorts of dangers....But honestly if I knew that Christ was waiting at the end and if I made it through I would be saved then I could do it. I would rather fend of monsters on the journey then to never know for certain sure that I'm going to heaven. I know that if I'm a real christian I should know that but I dont...I'm not perfect. I want to be with all my heart but I'm not...not even close. I guess it's just an upward battle that I'll have to keep fighting.
I wanna be a martyr....I think that would be the best way to die. Sorry...I know thats a little bit random but I've been thinking about it alot. A friend and I were playing a game where we made a list of ways we could possibly die...morbid right? But anyway...I could get shot or trampled by a cow or drown or get into a car accident, or get killed by an axe murderer or blow up in chemistry or die in my sleep or...well you get the point. My friend said that he'd like to die saving someones life but just think about it, if you were a martyr you could save peoples eternal life just by your witness. I hope that if I died like that I would be all strong and singing from the stake or whatever...but I'd probably be screaming bloody murder...I mean sheesh...it's gotta hurt right? But God could take away the pain if that was the best thing. But then again I dont want to die...I want to live to see Jesus come. I think it'd be so boring to be coming up at the same time when all the dead people are coming outa their graves and the mountains are crumbling and the angels are blowing trumpets. I wanna be there for the whole thing! I know that we're supposed to be like....hidign in caves and whatnot but I would so much rather be in prison. I mean...Jesus suffered so much for me that I want to repay him somehow...I know it would hurt him to see me suffer but I wouldn't really mind I think...Just to show him how much I love him, that I'm willing to die for him, to suffer for him.
Anyway...Sorry if this is kinda random and personal, I think I've said it before but this blog is basically my diary...I write whatever is on my heart so you pretty much get a peek into my mind.